Discourse on Divorce

Yes, I'm getting divorced. Was this where I planned my life to be so many years ago? Of course not. Is this where I want to be? Absolutely not. Am I happy about this? Nope, not really.

I want to make this very, very clear, especially to all my young friends out there. God hates divorce. Period, end of sentence. But guess what, it's not the end of the paragraph. The paragraph continues with God loves his children and is willing to forgive, walk through the experience with them, and on the other side bring about amazing things that only He knows about. But I want to make it extremely clear that I will never ever say that God's plan for marriage is wrong, that He didn't know what he was doing, that divorce is okay. Nope, not gonna hear it from me. I only want to speak truth and if I said any of those things, I'd be telling a lie. So, what are my thoughts and why am I here? What am I learning?

I'm learning amazing things with the Lord's help and patience. Divorce is the end of a life together, no matter how long you've been together, and it's gonna hurt, it's gonna be painful, and there are gonna be consequences to you and to your children. But guess what, there are also consequences to you and your children if the marriage that you're in doesn't follow the plan that God had for marriage in the first place. God's ideas for marriage, since he created it in the first place, are for a perfect union that mirrors His relationship with the church. Now okay, no marriages are perfect, because none of us are perfect, but you know, there are some marriages out there that actually do get pretty close to demonstrating a great love from one spouse to another. It's amazing to watch those marriages, and the kids from those marriages are amazing kids. I wish I could have done that for my kids. I didn't.

Anything that we do that is against God's will, God hates... it's called sin, and guess what, we do it on a daily basis. We grieve God in so many ways in our everyday lives because we disobey Him, we decide we know better how to run our lives (and look at the mess we get into). Some sins have big consequences, some sins little consequences, but they all have consequences. Some are more permanent, some are quickly over. So why is it that we tend to be so judgmental of those that are going through divorce and those that have been divorced? Do you know has gone on in their lives? Do you know how they've suffered? Do you know the secrets that they don't share because it causes pain? You don't, but God does. I'm definitely learning that we are way too judgmental of that which we do not know and understand. We assign values to different sins based on our own concept of right and wrong. But God doesn't, God knows the secrets, God knows the pain, and best of all God walks through us through the deserts, the wildernesses, the scary places, the emptiness.

Would I recommend divorce to anybody? uh, no... You're not gonna get me to approve of you doing something that God has said is wrong. So am I being a hypocrite? I hope not. I just don't want you using me as an example to say "well she did it so it must be okay". It's not. It's not what God desires for my life, but neither is the status quo. So I've chosen this route with much anguish, many tears, a tremendous amount of grieving, and it has been amazingly hard to get to this point. But God has been merciful, God is gracious, God provides strength every single day.

Do I believe that God wants me to be happy? No. Make that a big emphatic NO. No sirree, nope, uh uh, no way. I do not believe that what God wants for me is happiness... So if not, what does he want for me? God wants to mold me to be like him, in every way, in every circumstance. That's his biggest desire for me in my life, to be like him. And boy, there's such a far way to go in order to get there. And besides, do I really want happiness in my life? Well, any sane person would say yes, but since sometimes I wonder if I'm truly sane, my answer is no, not really, it would be nice, but really what I'd rather have is joy. Happiness is transitory, joy is a fruit of the Spirit. I'd rather have all those lasting fruits of the Spirit than a transitory emotional feeling that is determined by my circumstances.

Am I waiting for some new man to come along into my life? Do I expect to begin a new relationship? No. This is the one that just kills me sometimes because I've had people say "oh you just think that there will be ..." Guess what, I don't think that. I know that the chances of me remarrying are slim, and there is NO guy waiting in the wings, I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm not searching for something out there. Would I like to get remarried someday. Yes, very much so, but only if this time the Lord provides a man who will truly love me deeply and be willing to forge a marriage relationship that at least tries to look like the ideal of marriage that God set out in the beginning. I seriously would love to have someone love me deeply, desire to meet my needs, enjoy spending time with me. But I'm not unrealistic enough to think that it's necessarily gonna happen. So am I willing to be single the rest of my life? Yes. I am. I am willing to have no relationship of this type, if I have to, than to be in the relationship that I've been in for so long in the condition that it's been in.

This isn't easy, as some may try to make it look. I wouldn't recommend it for anybody because it hurts deeply, but I definitely know that when you get to this point, the hurts you've already undergone hurt just as deeply. Last year I likened my situation to having lived in a desert for so long, the sun beating down, the hot desert wind scorching your skin, and no matter how fast or far I traveled all that I could see was endless desert stretching ahead of me. For a moment, I thought I saw an oasis, thought I felt a sprinkle of rain, thought that I saw the bloom of a flower, but then it all melted away because it was only an oasis, and then the desert was only more unbearable. So if you know somebody who has gone through this, refrain from judging, you don't know what they've been through. If you know somebody going through this, be willing to listen to them cry, because they will. I should know, I've cried buckets of tears over the years, but I've had some wonderful tremendous friends who have let me cry, who have held my hand, who have told me I was loved, and it does make a difference.

Will I get through this? oh yeah, the Lord is good. I don't know what the other side looks like, I'm a little apprehensive only because it's new and different, but I know that God loves me and he has great things for me if I will walk with him (and at least he's good enough not to zap me when I go wandering off the path occasionally because I'm impatient or stubborn).

I made my kids a promise before they were even born that I would always tell them the truth. I made that promise to many a youth when they came through my class. I hope I can always live that out. The truth isn't always pretty, it isn't always fun, it isn't always what you think it should be. But there IS truth, and knowing the truth and telling the truth is always better than trying to hide behind a happy smile, trying to put the blame on somebody else, trying to make it seem like it doesn't matter.

I failed in many ways. God is good and merciful and forgiving. He is and will continue to bring me through. And I so hope that on the other side everything that I have gone through, everything, can be used for someone else's benefit. And I never, ever want to have to walk this road again or learn these lessons again, so please Lord, teach me what you want me to learn now so we don't have to repeat this.

Too Much of a Good Thing is... Still Too Much

well, okay, if we're talking "good things" like meltaway chocolate candy pieces or uninterrupted sleep, then you can never have enough

but even "good things" can still be too much because at the moment I am sinking into the quicksand of too much and most of the quicksand is made up of good things

I have a wedding quilt to finish (binding only) that the wedding was in January, at least binding is now pinned and hopefully I'll get it done tomorrow while I proctor the SAT (pictures will come later)

I have a wedding quilt to start for a wedding in October for a cousin who in the last few months has become so much of a better friend than I ever would have imagined and I want to make this quilt amazingly awesome for her and her beloved, but in order to do that I need time, space, and energy (all of which are not happening lately)

I have to finish my 3D snowman quilt and get him in the mail to Canada before he melts away (he was supposed to take his little trip on Monday, but here it is Friday and I'm not. quite. finished. yet.  hopefully he'll get finished during the SAT tomorrow also, along with my own 3D snowman to keep (pictures will come later)

and I have a TON of fabric postcards to make and get in the mail because I signed up for these exchanges, and these exchanges are really fun, but now I can't remember if I'm coming or if I'm going, can't remember what ones I've done and what ones I haven't done, and who knows when they're due (and believe it or not, I just signed up for two more of them, but only to exchange with one person, not multiples)

then, of course, are the cherished graduation fleece quilts.  I absolutely must pull them out and figure out whose I have and whose I have to make still and then I need to make sure they're washed and don't have animal hair all over them and then I need to start distributing them.  I love this time of year and the look on their faces when I had them their blanket.  "My" girls should know they're getting one, this is the 6th year I've done it, but the girls who weren't in my class but who I have a friendship get one and they're always surprised since they weren't expecting it, and the guys never quite know that they're getting one, but they're the funnest ones to watch their faces (and then hear from their moms afterwards about how they sleep with it every night).  I love making the graduation quilts.  I have this year and two more years and then I don't have them anymore, sigh, that's sort of sad.

and then lastly comes real life... I'm packing up to move and so everything is in disarray and disorder; I have my last child graduating high school (can you believe it); I have a child graduating college (that's even more unbelievable) and I just feel like I'm spinning in circles...

remember that old whirly-gig thing at the amusement park where it went faster and faster and then the bottom fell out?  yeah, that's my life at the moment

In Memory of...

Today would have been my brother Doug's 54th birthday... He was an amazingly wonderful brother who had my heart from my youngest days, he was my champion, he was my friend.  He told me I was beautiful, he made me feel that I was worthwhile.  Memories of him are never far from my mind.  He woke me up in the wee hours of the morning when I was little to watch my first meteor shower, I've loved them ever since.  He took me to my first visit to The Nutcracker.  He called me via shortwave radio from Japan when he was stationed there while I was in junior high.  He took me on a date every time he came home.  He took me to the zoo, he took me to the park, he took me to the movies.  He took me shopping for my prom dress and convinced the saleslady at Neiman Marcus to take a $3,000 dress off the manniquin so I could try it on.  He dreamed with me, he believed in me, he encouraged me, he loved me... I love you, Doug

Bubble Gum Shaker Postcard

started this a while ago, but couldn't get it finished, so we'll try again...  wanted to share with you my bubble gum shaker postcard that I did for one of my exchanges.  The theme was "Shakers" and to begin with all I could think about was the religious group known for its furniture and I had no clue how I was going to do a postcard along those lines... finally I learned that it is a card that in some way has something that shakes in it... and immediately the thought of a bubble gum dispenser came to mind...

bubble gum dispensers probably hold fun memories for all of us, who hasn't begged their parent for money (be it $.01 or $.25 depending on how old you are) in order to be able to insert the money and turn the little dial... so the question became, how in the world do I actually create a post card the would look like the picture?  daunting task, but hey, sometimes I jump in the deep end without a second thought... actually probably do that way too often and ought to look more closely before I do it sometimes.

so I started with my regular card, only I went ahead and put muslin on the front also as a background... I sort of would have liked to have done some brown to look like a countertop and then a higher background of some sort, but I just couldn't figure that one out well enough to make it happen.  then I cut out a circle out of peltex and cut the center out of it so it looked (for lack of a better description) like a very skinny doughnut... basically, this "doughnut" was to hold down the cellophane that became my container.  I thought about using some type of sheer fabric, but I really wanted the glass look.  I carefully inserted some different colored small beads as the gumballs into the cellophane while keeping the cellophane under the peltex (sort of like herding cats, it was) and then had to sew it all down... very, very amusing... I only stitched the outside of the round since I was worried that if I stitched the inside also, it would weaken the cellophane and cause it to tear apart and spill the gumballs, so I ran a bead of fabric paint along the inside edge of the round to just sort of seal it up and try to make it look pretty... stitching would have looked nicer, but...  then came the base and the top, put some peltex under the base also so that it would sit at the same level as the edge of the round top and then stitched it into place. 

once all that was done, I got my black and silver fabric paint, and painted on the base details of the dial and the dispenser... if I had an embroidery machine, I would have done it that way in a second, but not gonna go buy one of those just for something like this... but in a few years, it might go on my wish list.  once the paint was dry I added a couple of more gumballs on the base so that it would look like they had just been dispensed, then edged it in white (sort of boring, but didn't want to have to ditch the project at this point if I screwed it up).

not near as good as the original picture, not near as good as the thought in my head... but considering this was the very first thing like this I had ever done, I was pretty proud of myself... and so far, the ones who have gotten them have really loved them.  so I would definitely do it again, in a heartbeat.