Discourse on Divorce

Yes, I'm getting divorced. Was this where I planned my life to be so many years ago? Of course not. Is this where I want to be? Absolutely not. Am I happy about this? Nope, not really.

I want to make this very, very clear, especially to all my young friends out there. God hates divorce. Period, end of sentence. But guess what, it's not the end of the paragraph. The paragraph continues with God loves his children and is willing to forgive, walk through the experience with them, and on the other side bring about amazing things that only He knows about. But I want to make it extremely clear that I will never ever say that God's plan for marriage is wrong, that He didn't know what he was doing, that divorce is okay. Nope, not gonna hear it from me. I only want to speak truth and if I said any of those things, I'd be telling a lie. So, what are my thoughts and why am I here? What am I learning?

I'm learning amazing things with the Lord's help and patience. Divorce is the end of a life together, no matter how long you've been together, and it's gonna hurt, it's gonna be painful, and there are gonna be consequences to you and to your children. But guess what, there are also consequences to you and your children if the marriage that you're in doesn't follow the plan that God had for marriage in the first place. God's ideas for marriage, since he created it in the first place, are for a perfect union that mirrors His relationship with the church. Now okay, no marriages are perfect, because none of us are perfect, but you know, there are some marriages out there that actually do get pretty close to demonstrating a great love from one spouse to another. It's amazing to watch those marriages, and the kids from those marriages are amazing kids. I wish I could have done that for my kids. I didn't.

Anything that we do that is against God's will, God hates... it's called sin, and guess what, we do it on a daily basis. We grieve God in so many ways in our everyday lives because we disobey Him, we decide we know better how to run our lives (and look at the mess we get into). Some sins have big consequences, some sins little consequences, but they all have consequences. Some are more permanent, some are quickly over. So why is it that we tend to be so judgmental of those that are going through divorce and those that have been divorced? Do you know has gone on in their lives? Do you know how they've suffered? Do you know the secrets that they don't share because it causes pain? You don't, but God does. I'm definitely learning that we are way too judgmental of that which we do not know and understand. We assign values to different sins based on our own concept of right and wrong. But God doesn't, God knows the secrets, God knows the pain, and best of all God walks through us through the deserts, the wildernesses, the scary places, the emptiness.

Would I recommend divorce to anybody? uh, no... You're not gonna get me to approve of you doing something that God has said is wrong. So am I being a hypocrite? I hope not. I just don't want you using me as an example to say "well she did it so it must be okay". It's not. It's not what God desires for my life, but neither is the status quo. So I've chosen this route with much anguish, many tears, a tremendous amount of grieving, and it has been amazingly hard to get to this point. But God has been merciful, God is gracious, God provides strength every single day.

Do I believe that God wants me to be happy? No. Make that a big emphatic NO. No sirree, nope, uh uh, no way. I do not believe that what God wants for me is happiness... So if not, what does he want for me? God wants to mold me to be like him, in every way, in every circumstance. That's his biggest desire for me in my life, to be like him. And boy, there's such a far way to go in order to get there. And besides, do I really want happiness in my life? Well, any sane person would say yes, but since sometimes I wonder if I'm truly sane, my answer is no, not really, it would be nice, but really what I'd rather have is joy. Happiness is transitory, joy is a fruit of the Spirit. I'd rather have all those lasting fruits of the Spirit than a transitory emotional feeling that is determined by my circumstances.

Am I waiting for some new man to come along into my life? Do I expect to begin a new relationship? No. This is the one that just kills me sometimes because I've had people say "oh you just think that there will be ..." Guess what, I don't think that. I know that the chances of me remarrying are slim, and there is NO guy waiting in the wings, I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm not searching for something out there. Would I like to get remarried someday. Yes, very much so, but only if this time the Lord provides a man who will truly love me deeply and be willing to forge a marriage relationship that at least tries to look like the ideal of marriage that God set out in the beginning. I seriously would love to have someone love me deeply, desire to meet my needs, enjoy spending time with me. But I'm not unrealistic enough to think that it's necessarily gonna happen. So am I willing to be single the rest of my life? Yes. I am. I am willing to have no relationship of this type, if I have to, than to be in the relationship that I've been in for so long in the condition that it's been in.

This isn't easy, as some may try to make it look. I wouldn't recommend it for anybody because it hurts deeply, but I definitely know that when you get to this point, the hurts you've already undergone hurt just as deeply. Last year I likened my situation to having lived in a desert for so long, the sun beating down, the hot desert wind scorching your skin, and no matter how fast or far I traveled all that I could see was endless desert stretching ahead of me. For a moment, I thought I saw an oasis, thought I felt a sprinkle of rain, thought that I saw the bloom of a flower, but then it all melted away because it was only an oasis, and then the desert was only more unbearable. So if you know somebody who has gone through this, refrain from judging, you don't know what they've been through. If you know somebody going through this, be willing to listen to them cry, because they will. I should know, I've cried buckets of tears over the years, but I've had some wonderful tremendous friends who have let me cry, who have held my hand, who have told me I was loved, and it does make a difference.

Will I get through this? oh yeah, the Lord is good. I don't know what the other side looks like, I'm a little apprehensive only because it's new and different, but I know that God loves me and he has great things for me if I will walk with him (and at least he's good enough not to zap me when I go wandering off the path occasionally because I'm impatient or stubborn).

I made my kids a promise before they were even born that I would always tell them the truth. I made that promise to many a youth when they came through my class. I hope I can always live that out. The truth isn't always pretty, it isn't always fun, it isn't always what you think it should be. But there IS truth, and knowing the truth and telling the truth is always better than trying to hide behind a happy smile, trying to put the blame on somebody else, trying to make it seem like it doesn't matter.

I failed in many ways. God is good and merciful and forgiving. He is and will continue to bring me through. And I so hope that on the other side everything that I have gone through, everything, can be used for someone else's benefit. And I never, ever want to have to walk this road again or learn these lessons again, so please Lord, teach me what you want me to learn now so we don't have to repeat this.